I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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