You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
