I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
