I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
