I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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