yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
