No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
