Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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