Pants 0. Shit 1.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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