Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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