i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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