I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
