Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
