i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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