I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He passed out mid-signature
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
