you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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