My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
