Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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