someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
