So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
