woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
