my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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