Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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