He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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