im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
