Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize