Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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