Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
