i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
