So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
