There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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