first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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