Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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