Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
