Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
