If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
