i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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