The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
