Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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