woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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