At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
