I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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