ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
