...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
