I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Four minutes until I can fart!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
