My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
