I want to walk on stilts...naked
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
