drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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