New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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