I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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