I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
