i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
