just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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