i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My vagina is very pro this idea
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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