We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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