I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
