I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
