you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
