wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
