when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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