We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
