Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
