new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
